Family Businesses are beautiful but complex organisms. Those of us who work with our family members know something about this. As advisors for family companies we often see deep alienation between family shareholders and managers. What usually begins innocently and from a noble purpose such as “I’d like to help my son succeed in business” or “I want to help my husband succeed economically” or “I’d like to help my Dad” often turns into great emotional distance, alienated conversations and heartache. I have often described working in the family businesses as a high risk gamble. If it works well, the family, the personal economics and the business all thrive. When it works poorly, all spheres – the family, the individual self esteem and the business all suffer.
Often the kind of communication that’s so badly needed either doesn’t take place or diminishes over time. The most difficult cases are those families where there is clear and deep unhappiness, low trust, and a repetition of patterns that defeat dialogue and learning. In cases like this, usually everyone in and around the family is quite clear about the difficulties and often the roots of them, Further, in many families the members complain bitterly to their spouses or others who reinforce their unhappiness and blame of the other. Critically needed conversations seem not to take place. Why does this happen and what can family members do about it?
Like motors need oil, family business relationships as all relationships require constant transparent communication. Without it, like the engine without oil, the parts begin to grind on each other and eventually destroy the engine. Family Business Members need the ability to talk about those issues that caused distrust or disrespect in such a way that resolves the animosity and allows the members to go forward in their family business relationships well.
Most often these difficulties are rooted in the history of the family culture and values which can be seen in past conversations between family members. As parents and children struggle and thrive in their early years characters, attitudes and behavior patterns evolve. As most of us know, raising children and growing-up is not easy – we all do the best we can – but usually there are failures of love, emotional intelligence, and communication. Parents strive to give each child the love and resources they need for responsible lives and fulfillment. Children strive to succeed.
We all are imperfect. How can we deal with the imperfections in ourselves, our children, and our parents well? When asked about defining and memorable events that shaped their present difficulties in family business communication, most can easily find in their memory a number of conversations that helped shape the current issues. For these conversations helped shape the person’s view of the world and the critical people in it. Sometimes these memories are quite beautiful and loving, other times they are not. In family business they tend to come out in the middle of fights or in private intimate conversations with others. Here are some typical sentences:
My brother has always mistreated me, one time when I was 8 …
Dad has never appreciated the work I do, as a teenager …
When I needed a loan, I was told to work harder, when my brother needed a loan, my dad simply asked “How much do you need son?”
My brother was the smart one, I was the athletic one,
Mom taught me, we (girls) must take care of the men first …
What is most important is that these critical events that shaped our attitudes and behavior in our family business most often are not discussed. Nor are they forgotten. Quite the contrary, they hold quite a bit of power over the person’s mind and actions. But should this history be discussed? After all, many argue, whatever happened, happened and cannot be changed. Further, bringing it up may only reinforce the problem and feelings of unhappiness. What possible good does it do to live or replay past events?
It is the present and future that must be dealt with, and the past only as it relates to the present. Whenever conflict can be resolved through only discussion of present and future needs that is preferable. But, when the individuals are stuck in disrespectful, alienated and low trust communication to the point of it interfering with their ability to work well together – then a conversation about the past needs to take place
Family business members might ask themselves the following questions:
1. With the family members I work with where the communication and/or trust level is low – what critical events shaped my relationship with them?
2. How do these events impact our communication and relationship today?
3. Are they discussable and if with uncomfortable feelings – are they healable?
4. What kind of conversations need to take place in order to heal this old wound?
5. How could I open the door to this kind of conversation?
Is it possible to heal old wounds? This critical question cannot be answered simply and one might consider talking to a professional about it. Usually the answer is yes! Significant progress can be made if you or the other relates from a place of deeper empathic understanding, compassion and learning. If the family members cannot speak to the other, can each individual find a way within themselves to heal this pain? If not, one could expect only more difficulties in the development of trust and communication between family business members and more and more difficulty in the working relationship.
Marc@sii-inc.net